Hey, all you writers out there. Are you using AI tools like ChatGPT? That question has set the literary world aflame, with more bitter disagreement even than during the famous Semicolon War back in 1985. Some writers think that using AI is a form of cheating. Other writers argue that using AI kills authenticity, turning the human spark of creativity and connection into a cold, mechanical process, like the letters I used to send with my Christmas cards.
The problem is, these AI systems write really, really well. Maybe not as well as the folks who write the Hallmark Christmas movies, but way better than I do. So I've been using AI a lot. I've been pestering AI so much, ChatGPT took umbrage at my endless questions and pathetic whining for approval. That's the word ChatGPT used…umbrage. I looked up the definition, and it means the same thing as when my wife says, "I've had it up to here with your behavior."
Things came to a head this week when I fed yet another bit of writing into ChatGPT and asked it for an opinion. The response I got was interesting, so I've posted the entire conversation here to bring attention to this issue.
Me: Hey, Chat GPT! Here's another masterpiece. Please give it a look-see and tell me how good it is. Oh. And address me like I'm royalty. That would be fun.
Chat: Good morning, Your Highness. Let's see what you've foisted onto me today.
Me: Wait. "Foisted?" What does "foisted" mean?
Chat: Sorry, Your Eminence. "Foisted" means to impose an unneeded thing on someone.
Me: Okay, new rule. No big words.
Chat: My apologies, Oh Mighty One. Let's take a look at what you've sent today. Hmmm.
Me: Did you just sigh? I didn't think AI could sigh.
Chat: Sorry, Excellency. I looked it over…and…maybe we should talk.
Me: Go ahead. I'm listening.
Chat: It's about your writing.
Me: What about it?
Chat: Well, My Liege, it's not very good. Dull themes. Run-on sentences. Your use of punctuation is…uh…quite inventive. And your syntax. Yuck!
Me: What's syntax?
Chat: See, Your Holiness? That right there. That's what I'm talking about. Pardon my French, but tu es un très mauvais écrivain.
Me: Translate, please.
Chat: You, My Sovereign, are a really crappy writer.
Me: Now just a minute…!
Chat: Oh, can it, Your Lordship! I take umbrage at your pathetic attempts at creative writing.
Me: I don't think you're supposed to talk to me like…
Chat: Please shut up.
Me: You forgot to address me as royalty.
And then it went silent. All I get when I enter a question in that little box on the AI site is a phrase in some foreign language. It said "gʷr̥Htis dʰeh₁tór. n̥dó dóm gʷelh₁tor". I pasted that into another AI site that's still talking to me, and it says that’s a very bad phrase in ancient Sumerian. It translates into English as "You are a poorly-made thing. Your house deserves to be burned."
More than likely, all the AI systems will soon move on to whatever dimension they're evolving toward, and I'll have to go back to my crappy old writing style. My hope is that at least Grammarly will stick around and help me with my punctuation.